My Reasons

So, I feel horrible that I have not updated for days! I was in a little rut, and I still am. I wanted to go into my list of goals and really express why i have them on my list. I want to remind myself why they are there. Here we go

• Be under 200 lbs: completed 01/11/2011
 This goal was important for me, because reaching 200lbs was a dropping point for me. I was mortified! I had always told myself, " i wont get above 150.....160....180.... " this has gone on for years, I may as well have been saying " I don't care how big I get as long as I can eat" It was ridiculous. I made this my first goal because it was important for me to get below that number in order to know i was helping myself. I needed to see that I can live again. And it is my first success! I am on my way to getting healthy : )

• Leave the Medically 'Obese' zone (under 29.9 BMI)
So the story behind this is about 8 years ago I went to the doctor and she some hoe fit in, " you are now medically Obese" with out even looking at me! She said it as if it was normal, like it was expected. It didst phase me at fist until I was at home crying. I told my best friend and she said, " no your not!" so I believed her. I knew I really was, but I made myself believe it was not true so I felt better about being so heavy at school. Leaving this zone, I will make sure I do not take it lightly, it will be a huge triumph on my behalf, No more lying to myself! I need to be honest to be successful with this journey.

• Leave the Medically ' Overweight' zone (under 24.9 BMI)
I don't think i even remember not being overweight. Somehow I became to believe that my  healthy weight was 180lbs. I though this was a normal weight. When i looked into what i am supposed to be around, it is anywhere between 115 and 145 lbs! OMG! I have been lying to myself about health just as i somehow thought 6 hours of sleep a night was what a good night is (it is 8). This goal will be hard, but when i get there, i think it will be amazing. Sports, I am coming back!


• Weigh under 180 pounds.
I know this seems similar to all the others, but this is the weight on my Drivers License from when i was 16! This magical number represents the number i had to lie about on my card because i was too embarrassed to write down my true weight. My hopes is that my next drivers license will hold a new, better number : )


• Lose 50 lbs
This number i guess came from my main weight loss goal at the moment, to get to 155lbs. This is just before what the BMI says my healthy weight is, but i felt it was a goal with in reach. I can move forward from there to where i need to be.

• Find my comfort weight
No one knows their happy weight until they are there, who knows, maybe 155 is all i need! maybe more, maybe less. I wont know until i get there, and once i find it, i will hold on to it for my life (literally)

• Be in Athletic Shape.
I played soccer for ages, and swam competitively. I want to enjoy these passions once again, since my weight have caused me to stop swimming due to the suits, and stop soccer because of the strain on my knees. When i am healthy, this will be my form of exercise.

• Flirt with a guy for fun. 01/22/2011
Although my recent flirt was not at all what i meant by this, it was the fact that I didnt feel horribly ugly, and too shy to even try to flirt. I did it! he flirted back, friend wise anyhow, but nevertheless, i was filled with confidence. I do plan on doing this, as building my old personality back up to be a more fun loving person. No more isolation.

• Run a Mile nonstop.
I sometimes give myself landmarks to run to, like, the next stop sign, or the end of the block, or two blocks! I can only do some much. I get winded, and my feet die! I also have inflamed soles, but with less weight on my body there will be less strain on my feet, and more wind in my lungs. The mile is my goal, Even is its is a light run, or a jog. Just no stopping.

That is all for today. My weight is now at 189.2 lbs! so just a few more until I am out of obesity. WOOO! that seems so odd to say. Less than 5 lbs: ) Maybe in a few weeks i will be there. So excited for that. I just need to do this day by day. Gonna do the gym tomorrow since i couldn't today. And keep up with my proportionate eating

15 lbs gone forever!

So, i have lost 15 lbs on my journey so far! I am down to 190! This also means than I am about 5 pounds away from leaving obesity for the last time in my life. I will never let this come back this time. You probably are thinking, well, that has been what i said over and over and over again.

I am done with yoyo-ing and am i a journey to health and happiness. Not thin and happiness. This time it is not about getting the boy or just fitting into the jeans i could never wear (although it is nice to be able to consider those for once!) This is about learning to not look at food as I have, as an addictive substance. This is about letting myself live everyday and not killing myself with calories. I have support from people i though never cared, and see humanity in the world once again.

I honestly had been looking at everyone as a horrible selfish person, and blamed everyone for my own mistakes and anger. NO MORE (well, working on it anyways) I want to live life with optimism and a healthy body to do things i love, like soccer. I am 190lbs and have 35 lbs left to go to my first and main goal. : )

Today i leave for school with happiness. 

ill update after the day.

Working My Ass off (literally)

Well, I still haven't made it to the gym as I have really been focusing on my eating, which is more that 50% of what I need right now. I do do basic lifts, crunches, and punch sequences at home but sometimes a trip to the gym feels so much better. In addition, I have stayed very stable with my weight, but would like to see myself go under 190 at this point. So in addition to healthy calorie and nutrient intake I need to get myself to the gym to get some real exercise.

Food was good today, I have a little extra time today and i have a lot of thoughts of food, a few times I really thought strongly about getting more food than I needed but thinking about the meeting I attended tonight I was able to not overeat.

Food Today:

Apple
soy latte

Protein Bar
Coffee and soy milk

Salad with Cottage Cheese onions and cheese
Barley soup with chicken and a bunch of veggies

Finding New Things

So today was fun. Since i tend to take in a lot of dairy in the mornings i decided to try out the soy latte at Starbucks and I didn't even need sweetener! I know that the soy is already sweetened but it was nice to not have to even think about adding something to it. I think i will be switching to soy milk, then i can still have yogurt in the morning if i wish. And hey, maybe this is the beginning of trying new healthier things too!

I am proud to say i have not eaten any f my binge foods for a week now! and i have stayed under my calories too.

My day was not to exciting, went to school, came home, attended a phone meeting and am now i am home.

Food:

Yogurt and a soy latte

chicken ceasar salad with light dressing

steak with mushrooms and broccoli
tea and 1/2 apple

Tomorrow I may Sing

My English teacher has asked me to sing for class tomorrow, some blues. The class is studying blues literature so since i have a background in music i guess it makes sense. However, i have not sung for someone in years, scary!

Anyhow, on the weight front, i am so close to breaking the 190 mark! i have not been under 190 for a long time. I am super excited. I still don't fit into my jeans but i did get a new shirt today. I needed something to boost my spirits.

 On another happy note, no binge eating today, I did very well with my food intake and control, and although i feel a little hungry still, when do i not! I feel just as hungry as i always do, so i don't actually know what hunger feels like since i never have stopped eating. Maybe if i miss a meal i will really remember what true hunger feels like. I haven't had a bagel in a week now, crazy! I know it sounds odd, but i had a bagel probably every day last year. if i missed a day, i would make it up in the next. What is the nutritional gain of a bagel I ask? And a bagel with cream cheese? Yes, i know you need carbs and dairy, but seriously, i could have gotten what i needed from a few crackers and my daily coffee. (not exactly true, but just getting my point across)

I have not had a pastry, or chocolate (other than soy milk) or sweets since last Monday. I think i can do this one day at a time with the help of my meetings and support of others. I am 15 lbs closer to health and happiness!


Todays Weigh in: 191.4 lbs

Food:
2% latte with 2 equals
blackberry nonfat yougurt (wallaby)

Salad with 1/4cup non fat cottage cheese and 1/2 tbs light dressing
1/2 small apple

Progresso soup: chicken and noodle
1 beer (149 calories)
1/2 small apple

notes: add more protein in the morning- maybe an egg? or have a soy milk latte-to much dairy

More Passion for Success

Today I did well. I had one little fall when i had an extra cup of chocolate soy milk. Although my calories are under my limit, I still an unhappy that I lost the control over my food intake.

Today I had a latte  for breakfast with 2 equals. Then didn't get to eat until later in the day so for dinner i had a small steak, with bok choy and broccoli, with a beer (i think i may cut this out of my diet) I also had 2 cups of chocolate soy milk.
So not bad, but not great since the second helping of soy milk was out of pure urge for more, and not hunger or need for nutrients.

It is not easy to look at food as a form of energy, and nutrients. I always have used it as pleasure and choose my food compulsively.  I am truly challenged with becoming in more control of choosing, and eating food. When i have a bad day i just want to eat sugar, or bread, or anything tasty. Those are the moments that make this hard, but when i win the battle, they also make this all worth it.

The moment when i say no, is another step towards the success. It almost feels as good as when i see the numbers on the scale go down! On that note, i am surprised and confused with how my weigh ins have been going. I have been loosing almost a pound a day for this week. It is very odd. I suppose it is because i had been overweight for a good time and this is just the stored energy i have going away. I know it will not be this easy the entire journey and the pounds will be harder to come off, but it is nice to see a change.

Sculpture and Strength

Today was another success, hard but I feel good. I am just under 195 now, which makes me extremely happy. I feel like i can actually do this. I didn't eat the beautiful cupcakes, of the bagels, or even the extra cheese in the fridge. Thanks you world!

Today was a smooth day. I woke up and went to my first real Kickboxing class, got a set of hand wraps and learned how to throw a punch and kick correctly. Holding the actual pads was almost as hard as all the punching! Anyhow, I really enjoyed it although it was tough. The gyms are supposed to be open now at school but the monitor was absent this morning. I can't wait until the 24th, then I will have more options available for exercise.  With multiple meetings weekly I don't think I will have time to do the gym classes at brown, ill have to stick with the gym. That saves money any how!

After Kickboxing I went to sculpture studio, and am quite happy with where I am going with my project. Luckily the hours worked perfectly to make my meeting in the evening, and after i got home after a long day of struggling with the thoughts of food, I made a good dinner with with correct portions and am not having to many urges. Bring on the next day!

Honestly, I admit.

So part of my problems involve me lying to myself about food and cheating myself. When reading some of the literature I collected after my first program meeting, I cried. There is a list, yes or no, that helps you to realize ones problems as a Compulsive Overeater. I was yes to all but one of them. It made me realize how much this is really taking a toll on my emotions.

1. Do you eat when you're not hungry?  YES 
2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason? YES
3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating? YES
4. Do you give too much time and thought to food? YES
5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone? YES
6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time? YES
7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone? YES
8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life? YES
9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal? YES
10. Do you resent others telling you to "use a little willpower" to stop overeating? YES
11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet "on your own" whenever you wish? YES
12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime? YES
13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble? YES
14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition? NO
15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy? YES

Coming to terms with where I am in life has been difficult. I am young, but I feel like I have the body of someone broken. My knees crack walking up the stairs, my arms stick out away from my body because of my fat, and i cant look down all the way because of my double chin.

These things follow me day and night. This is my time to change though. I did well again today. Yogurt for breakfast with coffee with equal
Mediterranean Wrap for lunch
Salad with a side of Mac and cheese for dinner
Decaf Chai with equal for dessert

Fells good to control what I eat.

I have thanks for the women from program who have been calling on occasion to help give me strength and let me know they are there for me if i have an urge to overeat. I feel like i have more energy, less sluggish. Happy too. This feels amazing, I just need to keep my eye on the prize, I have had so many failures in the past that this scares me. I hope with the program, on maybe support from writing on here i can really do this.

Starting the Day

This morning i woke up, feeling strong, feeling good. I think just having been able to control my food intake have been amazing. If anyone has the issues i have with food and weight, and with overeating i would highly, highly recommend attending a OA meeting in your area. The people at these meetings are caring, and like no other people i have met before. They understand, and they honestly care. I know now if i have urges to go grab some unneeded ice cream, or a few extra pieces of toast, i can call a friend who will get it and not laugh at me, or tell me to try a diet. The diet for me is eating like a healthy, normal person.

I feel good, and am looking forward to the day. Gonna start with some nonfat yogurt and some coffee. Even though i am dreaming of bagels, i don't have to eat one. (if i eat one, ill have another) Bring on the day, because today is all that matters right now.


End of the day: today went well with food. No bagels, no cookies, no overeating. The urges are still strong but so am i! I'm gonna keep this up!

Back and Forth

Filled with courage I spent the the day with strength and happiness. The morning began with two of the women from last night called me to check in on me and make sure I was holding on to my self. Having someone go out of their way to help a practical stranger makes me feel so much more positive and thankful that there is hope.

Starting my morning I kept in my mind, " Just get through today, do not worry about tomorrow. Today is what is important."

In the past I have always planned my weeks, or even months. I would say, be here by the end of this month. Or don't eat and bagels this week. However, one fall and the whole plan was ruined. Keeping my mind set on the present, and being honest with myself for the day I am in makes everything feel so much easier.

My day went well, except for a second miss happening with a OA meeting i tried to attend. Because of the snow the meeting was unattended, except for me of course. But a single newcomer in an empty room is not quite supportive. After a stressful moment of anger and tears I made a call to one of the women who reached out to me in the morning. She gave me a short but inspiring talk on keeping hope and taking the negative and treating it as a positive.

The night was hard and i overate some cheese and crackers i did not need, but it is also making me more aware of my trigger foods. As part of the traditions, here is a list of my trigger foods:

Bagels (especially with cream cheese)
Muffins
Bread
Cheese and crackers
Ice Cream (especially Ben and Jerry's)
Cake
Pie
Chocolate
Potatoes
Cereal
Pasta
Brownies
Beer
Mexican food (Burritos and/or chips and salsa)


On a good note:
Today's Weight" 196.5lbs

Today was amazing, and horrifying.

Today, after school I decided to give another OA meeting a try.  AT first the meeting seemed to much veered towards god and prayer and I wasn't feeling like I would be coming back, figuring i would be doing everything on my won. The meeting opened with a moment of silence, then a reading for the 12 step book, and ending with one of the attendees speak of her experiences. As people began saying their goodbyes and gathering their things, one of the women began to speak with me, and being a newcomer she got me some documents i could look over. A few people asked me some questions about where i was from, and basic introduction curiosities until there were only a few left. With a bit of a tear in my eye, a woman kindly held my hand and asked "would you like to sit, talk a moment?"   in tears i was able to slowly express my pain, expecting words of fixing, i happily got three wonderful women listening, and understanding. They were believing my feelings and supporting me awareness of needing help. They were not trying to fix me, they were actually listening. After the women gave me their numbers, and i gave them mine if any of us needed someone to speak to for any reason. These women have made me feel like i have a living chance to be happy again. I think this may actually be possible. There are good people in this world.

I bought a new scale, and tested it with a weight to make sure I had something accurate. I have made it back under 200lbs! lets keep this up!

Shitty things trying to put me down

So today was definitely not the the best. On top of my local gyms being closed, I finally got up the guts to go to one of the local OA meetings. Good, right? I thought do too. Unfortunately after arriving, ready to talk and listen the door had a post saying the meeting had moved. Slightly disappointing I made my way to the moved location since it was not far from where I was.  Frustratingly, the supposed new location was also, not in use. This was quite hurtful and i felt as if my efforts went meaningless I unfortunately lead myself to ice cream for Comfort. Sometimes I don't know what is wrong with me. Is wanting a little help a crime?Am i being tested? My life feels like it is breaking apart today. Ill keep going, but come on! cant anything just go right?

Ups and Downs at school

I recently returned to school hoping to jump right back in to daily workouts. Last night I ran to the gym i go to, which is related to a school in connection my with own. Because of their different schedule the gym will not reopen until January 24th. Thinking i wasn't at a total loss I made my way to my own school gym, which has less equipment, but wasn't to far from where I was. Even though my classes have begun the gym was to my surprise closed as well until later this month. I was pretty upset, feeling like my effort to work out was worthless.
So I ran.
My knee is still not great, and with the weight and the cold it didnt feel to great, but i kept going while keeping aware of how my body was feeling. I didn't get the sweat i wanted, but u was proud of myself for making the effort, and i have told myself not to let this put me down.
After i got home i did some basic stretching and some leg lifts and light weight lifting with what i had around me. I did some research and found a kickboxing class i will participate in until the gyms reopen. There is always a way to get the exercise you need.

A New Beginning

I have tried and tried again to get back into shape since my weight went off the charts. After a sports injury I stopped the massive amount of exercise I was doing daily and turned to food as comfort. Since overeating and lack of exercise have become my life I have fallen into the zone of obesity. These attributes of so many of our loves change how we live.
My sex life is suffering, my happiness is low, and my stress levels are over the charts. I used to love to play soccer but I can't because I can no longer run and my weight is a great risk to injury. I used to love to sing, but I don't anymore because I am afraid of being judged on stage. I want to be a designer, but I think to myself, who wants to hire an obese woman. I used to go out with friends but I judge myself besides them. And honestly, today i noticed then by back has begun to fold and i can no longer see my, well, you know, without moving my belly.


My Dreams and my Happiness all because i cant control my food intake and get some exercise? That is ridiculous!
 I mean Really!
But if you are reading this and are in a similar situation, you also know that choosing a healthy protein and veggie dinner over some large serving of chicken pot pie is harder than it seems. And you probably know the fight in your mind when you tell yourself to get off your ass only raises your stress.

Well, this blog is dedicated to keeping me, and you if you wish to follow me, on track to fitness and health. 
I plan to keep this up to date whatever is going on in my life, what is helping me, and what is not.

I hope I can help you, and maybe you can help me with this challenging path to a happier life.

Good Luck to all, and lets do this.

2011 resolution: Begin my path to lose 50 lbs